In the hospital, again.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” – Lance Armstrong

I never imagined earlier today that I’d find myself blogging from the hospital, but here I am writing from what will be my home through likely Monday morning. As many of you may have heard me twittering, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain the last two days. Most of which has been cramping that really has come to feel more like labor pains, the ones that radiate to my back. It’s been awful, at times leaving me in tears and feeling helpless making me feel as though I’m in labor the last two days. It’s been discomforting recovering the last two days – I keep saying it feels as though someone has shoved a spoon inside of me and is just scraping away at my insides. I really find myself to have a pretty good tolerance for pain so for me to finally break down to call the doctor for pain medicine this morning took a lot. The doctor prescribed me medication and then later this afternoon called and expressed the concerns of all the doctors who have treated me these last few weeks. Obviously at this point they really are concerned that my recovery could take a turn for the worse so I was asked to come in to the hospital and see one of the doctors I have seen a few times this last month so I could be more closely examined and if needed, treated. I really truly thought we’d just take a quick trip to the hospital, say hello to the doctor and go through an exam and go back home to continue recovery. I was so wrong.

Jason has been amazingly strong these last few weeks, but he definitely has come to feel more frustrated and stressed, wondering just as I have – will this ever end? On the way to the hospital I could tell he sensed that we were likely going to have more not so great news to add to this extremely tough time I’ve been going through. I continued to tell him it would be okay, we’d be home in a couple hours. It couldn’t get much worse, right? Before we arrived at the hospital Jason took a picture on his iPhone – an amazing sunset of my new home for the weekend. We were very hesitant to say we were returning to the hospital before we knew what would happen because we feared the barrage of calls and text message that would follow. You all have no idea how worn out we both have become having to continue to relive these stressful moments time and time again. I remember walking into Winnie Palmer thinking of how I’d return home to blog about going to the hospital, so I took a few pictures with my iPhone. Little did I know I’d end up having to stay over night – that thought didn’t even cross my mind when we walked into the hospital.

When we arrived, the doctor had already let the nurses know I’d be coming down. I suppose that should have been my first sign that I’d be admitted. I was seen fairly quickly and underwent another exam which was pretty discomforting. When the doctor first came into the room the very first thing he told me was he was NOT going to put me through another surgery, that wasn’t an option. That calmed my initial fears. After the exam he informed us that he was very concerned that I could be starting to get an infection and after all I’ve been through he didn’t want to take the risk of jeopardizing my health any more. I was told that I would be admitted for 48 hours to have 3 strong IV antibiotics administered. Though I’ve been on antibiotics for over the last week, he said that they weren’t quite strong enough to help ensure that if there was an infection starting after all I have been through for it to work well enough and quick enough to help me fully recover. I also had my blood drawn again to test my HCG levels and other stuff and now we still wait to find out if the levels are going down. If they are not I still do fear the thoughts of having to take methotrexate. So now I sit in the hospital getting the medication that will hopefully help me recover and feel less discomfort than I have been for the last few days.

The good news we did hear from the doctor today was that he encouraged us to stay optimistic about the news we learned of regarding my uterus condition. He said that the doctor who did my last surgery had a tough time telling for sure if it was present during surgery and that though it was suspected during the sonogram he informed us that sonograms have become so amazing at the quality of photos that they sometimes show that much more inside that he has seen on several occasions that the condition they suspect to be misdiagnosed. So once I fully recover the Xray procedure will be the only way for us to confirm whether or not I do have to still worry about that condition. It’s good to have a little hope that this condition may not exist, but we’ll have to wait a little longer to know for sure.

I admit that when I first learned of the news that I was being admitted I was a little overwhelmed, in disbelief and once again scared. I remember turning around after getting dressed, filled with tears, just wondering to myself why this was still going on and when it’d ever end. I keep wondering how this could possibly still be going on? I wonder if it will get any worse. I wonder if I will ever fully recover. I wonder when I will resume my life again. I imagine the weekend in the hospital is likely a sign I need to find it in me to rest. I admit I fear being here. I really hate talking on the phone but I did find myself calling just two people myself tonight in the hospital to tell them of the news. I wish I could have called so many more but I admit my energy to talk about this is not there and I hope you all who would prefer to talk understand that I will continue to do my best to update you all and express my thoughts through my blog as I feel up to it.

The nurses definitely have been challenged making sure they put the IV in the best spot that would last two days. Being in surgery and poked with needles so much the last two weeks for labwork and IV’s necessary for surgery have really left me with very few strong veins left for them to use. I’m thankful the nurse was able to find one in my forearm that would leave my hands free to type. I made it clear to them that it was so important to me to be able to type during moments I was awake, alert and feeling up to finding ways through my computer to pass the time in the hospital.

I have to admit that the one reassuring thing is that though this experience has been highly stressful and frustrating for us, I feel so reassured to have received some amazing medical care. I believe the doctor’s in the practice treating me are going to have to give me some type of frequent flier reward for how many times I’ve been back to be treated. As tough as this has been, I can’t complain with the medical care and attention I’ve received. Wednesday most of the doctor’s met for their weekly meeting and discussed me as one of their high risk cases. I’ve seen about 75% of the practice’s doctor’s in the last two years so I imagine they’re likely not to forget me any time soon. My doctor tonight smiled as we discussed how frustrating this has been and informed me that in his 20+ years of practicing medicine my D&C case is definitely the most unique, memorable and challenging cases he has ever had to treat. For me the biggest reassurance is that I just know all the doctors are doing everything they possibly can to make sure I get the best care and get better soon. I suppose I do feel a bit bad though that it takes me seeing nearly their entire practice to get through this recovery. The nurses at the hospital have been equally great. Tonight the nurse giving my IV was quite sweet, she told me she’d wait for me to finish writing on my blog to give me the sleeping medicine the doctor has prescribed so that I can get the rest I need tonight. Here I am getting my IV started – it’s going to stink having to have this thing in me the entire weekend.

Once again, I thank you all for all your care and support I’ve received these last few weeks, I definitely sense everyone’s concern in just the last few hours since you all have come to learn of these latest challenges. So for now I prepare to sign off and put the computer away to get some rest, but don’t be surprised if you hear from me again before the weekend is out with another update. I assure you of one thing…I’m certainly not giving up, even with as discouraging as this has been…I promise I WILL get better! I just pray it happens soon.